Malachi 1:2,3
"I have loved you," says the Lord.
"But you ask, 'How have you loved us?'
"Was not Esau Jacob's brother?" the Lord says. "Yet I have loved Jacob, but Esau I have hated, and I have turned his mountains into a wasteland and left his inheritance to the desert jackals."

Why did God choose Jacob and not Esau? Did He not create them both? And we all know that Cain killed Abel. God could hear Abel's blood crying out to Him from the ground. Twins in the Bible. . .this is my struggle. Are there any twins in the Bible where God called them both, found favor in both, saved them both? Is there ever redemption for both? Being a twin myself, I have always joked that Marian was the good twin and I was the evil/bad twin. Marian HATES it when I say that, but there is a sense in where I am wondering, now, if this is true. God has given me a glimpse of my own character recently, and honestly, I am repulsed at what I see there. For it is in the midst of a tragedy that one reveals who he/she truly is. And in a very important split second, I ran away. My sister, in that same split second, ran straight forward. Why is that? What made us react so differently? I am so ashamed. . .What if the Lord says, "Yet I have loved Marian, but Hannah I have hated. . ." What if?

Part of me knows this cannot be, but part of me is really struggling. I feel like the last kid getting picked on the playground. I'm crying out to God, saying, "Please pick me. Choose me. Love me." I'm hearing a lot of silence. I am not attempting to be hard or difficult. I've been reading my Bible, praying, well, more like moaning and grunting, but all aimed at God nonetheless. I'm His child, at least I think I'm supposed to be. I've cried out to Him. Where is He? No, I wasn't there when He created the depths of the earth. I have no right to feel what I'm feeling, but I don't know how to change it. I remember my pastor in Oklahoma saying from the pulpit one time, "If Jesus never does anything else for you, ever, what He did on the cross should be enough." So that is where I cling, where I stand, where I kneel. If God never clears this up for me, He died for me. That is enough. I hope He has chosen me, for I believe in Him. I've asked Him to be my Savior. I am walking by faith; however weak it is, it is faith. My friend Ashlee reminded me that one day our faith will have eyes. Oh, how I long and hope for that day. I hope to see Jesus face to face and truly know that "Hannah, I have loved."

This is a picture of my older sister, Laura with Anna-Kate. Laura is one of Anna-Kate's namesakes. They share the same middle name.

Laura sent Marian and me a CD this week. It's by Casting Crowns and it's called Lifesong. Marian said she has listened to the whole thing several times through already. It has really ministered to her spirit. I haven't made it past the second song yet. The title is "Praise You in this Storm". I had heard this song before, but I had never really listened to the words. They got my attention this time:

Praise You in this Storm

I was sure by now/that You would have reached down/And wiped our tears away/Stepped in and saved the day/But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls/I barely hear You whisper through the rain/"I'm with you"/And as Your mercy falls/I raise my hands and praise the God who gives/And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm/And I will lift my hands/For You are who You are/No matter where I am/Every tear I've cried/You hold in Your hand/You never left my side/And though my heart is torn/I will praise You in this storm

I remember when/I stumbled in the wind/You heard my cry/you raised me up again/My strength is almost gone/How can I carry on/If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills/where does my help come from?/My help comes from the Lord/The Maker of Heaven and Earth


These words capture the emotions of my heart. I never really thought of our God as a God who "takes away", but He is. I've had to ask myself, do I want a God who takes away? My answer is, "It doesn't matter whether I want Him or not, whether I believe in Him or not. No matter where I am emotionally, it doesn't change who He is. He is still God, the same yesterday, today and forever. OK it does matter, for my eternal well-being, whether I want Him or not. Yes, I want this God who controls it all, the giving and the taking away, the ups and the downs, joy, peace, sadness, tears, laughter, pain, whatever it takes, rain, thunderstorms, tornadoes, or sunshine. He knows what will make my life bring glory to His name. I'm not sure how my life is reflecting Him now. I can only guess that in my weakness, His strength comes through. I've never felt weaker, more sadness, more ashamed, or helpless, but in the same breath I can claim a hope in a God who is stronger than I, who gives me glimpses of joy in the sadness, helps me hold my head up against the shame and reaches out to give help." In response, I say to my God, "Thank You. I love You and I praise You alone. You are my God. I am Yours. Wherever this road takes me, whether I hear Your voice or not, whether I feel You at my side or not, even if I feel I cannot find You, I will follow. Grant me strength to walk with You. Lead me on this path. In Jesus' precious name I pray. AMEN"

Thank you Laura, my sister, my friend. I love you.

My dad called me yesterday. He is staying with some friends in West Virginia. When I think of West Virginia, I smile as I remember my childhood home. I grew up in Cross Lanes, West Virginia which is just outside of Charleston, the state capital. It is called Cross Lanes in that the town just has 1 stop light and that is where the 2 roads (or lanes) cross. I remember sledding down our back yard hill and intertubing down Harmon's hill; jogging to the end of the street and back (4 times was a mile) with our dog, Precious; shooting hoops on the goal in the driveway; bringing firewood in from the front porch so we could have a fire in the fireplace and roast hot dogs and marshmallows; playing hide and seek, rundown, kick the can, kickball and running relay races around the house; walking to 7-11, elementary school, and church; praying up Monta Vista Drive (in our 15-passenger van) when it was covered in snow and ice; singing Christmas carols in the Kroger parking lot; covered dish dinners at church; hearing the dinner bell ring when it was time to come home for lunch or dinner; being greeted by our dogs, Precious and Abby, when I returned home from school. To borrow from John Denver, "Life is old there, older than the trees, younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze. . .country roads, take me home, to the place, I belong. . .West Virginia, Mountain Mama, take me home, those country roads" There were no privacy fences. The town was our playground. We explored through the woods to other neighborhoods, visited friends, and came home before dark. We chased lightning bugs, put them in a jar and let 'em go; we played outside barefoot--no red ants there; we loved snow days and summer days. I remember early morning swim team practice and evening softball practice, cheerleading camp and Bluestone church camp. My heroes as a kid were of course, mom, Mr. Miles, Mrs. Crum, Jeff Pratt, Joni Purviss, Denzil and Elaine, Lew and Jane, Wayne and Cindy, Greg and Anita, Dana and Jana, Mr. Marshall, Cathy Sepko, Jimmy Keagan, Mr. and Mrs. Crewdson. The list goes on. I didn't have to look far to find someone who cared about me. We knew everyone. They knew us.

My mom while visiting there this trip, went to the local pool, where we all swam as kids. She went there to see if Marian's freestyle pool record was still up on the board. It seems as if her record was broken in 2005--quite a long time for a record. I am uncertain of when she set the record, probably mid-eighties. She could tell you for sure. While she was there, she ran into an old friend of mine who recognized her. Amazing. . .we haven't lived there since 1987 and people still know us there. There's something about that that makes me leap for joy and scream "Wahoo!!" I do love West Virginia.

Loss. . .Currently, I am going through the loss of someone dear to my heart. I have no way of knowing just how to get through. There is no rule book. It takes me back to other losses I have suffered in my life. I can only think of a couple. The first death I remember feeling a little close to was when my sister, Wyndi's, best friend died of a brain tumor when she was in elementary school. Her name was Melanie. I think I was 6 or 7 then. Melanie was 8 or 9, if memory serves me. I didn't mourn for Melanie when she died because someone told me then, probably my mother, that Melanie had gone home to be with Jesus in heaven. That was enough for me. I knew she was ok and that I would see her again. Ahh, the faith of a child. I see this in my own children and nephews as they deal with the loss of which I am presently struggling. The past two months as I've grieved the loss of a child that I had the privilege of loving and knowing, I've also grieved for Melanie, or maybe more for her mother, Ann. I'm sure she still grieves today, all these years later. I'm so sorry Ann. Wyndi told me that she thought it was difficult for Ann to even look at her (Wyndi) in the beginning as it was too painful for her, but as the years passed, she (Wyndi) thought that Ann found comfort just being in her presence. Somehow it was reassuring to her. I hope that is true.

I lost my husband once. (I got your attention with that one didn't I?) It happened while we were dating. We broke up for about 2 1/2 years. As I was grieving his loss, I was also struggling through a tough relationship with a dear friend. Eventually, God gave me back my husband, but took the dear friend, along with a few other precious people. Those losses I have also grieved these months. (Amy, Lynn, Hollee, MEF, and, Oh my stars, I can't forget Sharon. I look forward to celebrating with you girls in heaven.) I have known that God would make all things beautiful again once we all got to heaven, but I didn't expect Him to heal some of this on this side of Heaven. But of course, our God can do more than we can even think or imagine, and He has healed some of this for me. I can't really even explain how He did it, but He did. I'm so thankful too, as I was beginning to think God had forgotten me. I felt His silence and it was deafening.

But I'm down on my knees with my face to the ground again. (I never should've left there.) I'm crying out to my Savior again to somehow make this right. Somehow we all have to get through this. Please pray for Jon and Rachel, Anne Michal, Lizzy, Emma and Jack as they move forward without their son and little brother, Knox. Oh, how I miss him. It may be selfish to ask, but pray for Marian and me too. Thanks.

The picture on the last post, for those who don't know, is of my son, Ayden and his buddy Jack, Knox's big brother. I love those boys!

I'm not so sure about this whole blog thing. Austin LOVES the idea. The only problem is that every 5 minutes he's either wanting to read everyone else's blogs or wanting to post something new on ours. Maybe the excitement of it will wear off after some time--one can only hope. SERIOUSLY.

Well, most children are out of school for the summer, but we got very behind in April so now we are trying to catch up. I find myself lacking in the motivation department though and so we end up doing school only a couple to a few days a week. I know I need to be more disciplined about it, but somehow it's easier to be disciplined about other things than it is about educating my children. My priorities need rearranging. I recognize that, but it doesn't come easily right now. Not many things do. . .well, I just wrote a bunch of "stuff" and then deleted it all. Sorry, I'm still not sure of what to share and what to keep to myself. Rachel, if you're reading this, remind me to tell you of an Emma story that happened when she spent the night here with Anna-Kate and Sarah Bess. I may have already told you. I can't remember. Anyway. . .

Well, we need to do Bible, math and phonics before the whole day gets away. Austin is very excited that I posted again--giggly excited. Oh, I love that boy! Anna-Kate wants me to put up a picture of her, so here's one of her at her ballet recital with her cousin, Cara Beth. Later.

Austin keeps asking me to post. I wrote something yesterday and was going to post it, but after some consideration, I felt my thoughts were too personal, so I deleted it. Therefore, on a lighter note, Austin wants people to know his birthday is in 10 days and he will be 11. He would like to have a swimming party, but we're not sure that will fit in with the plans this year. I am going to try and post a picture, but as you can see by our HUGE header, I'm not sure how to make the pix smaller. This blogging thing is new to me, and as I was once "computer saavy", technology has advanced since I left the work world so bear with me as I venture into this new universe.