Just finished reading. . .


Holding Onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie. I cried buckets. It was good because I needed to cry.

I also read that link on Rachel's blog--cried some more.

It's so strange. Sometimes when I feel like I should be crying or that I'm "expected" to cry, I can't find a tear. But then, outta nowhere they come (the tears, that is). I've probably said that before. Anyway, sometimes it's in the grocery store, which I really despise, and sometimes in the privacy of my own bedroom, which I greatly appreciate. Sometimes I get to share them with my husband, my mom, a sister, or a friend and then sometimes it's just me and Jesus.

This grieving is a journey. It's a journey I expect to be on the rest of my life. I don't say that to depress anyone. I am just trying to get a handle on what is now my life, my family's life. My marriage is affected. My kids are affected. Their friends are affected. Oh, how I love my children's friends!

Bless be the tie that binds our hearts in Christian love. I've sung these words many, many times before, but they ring differently now. Knox's death is a tie that binds my heart to his family's heart, my sister's heart, and your heart in Christian love. It is difficult for me to call it a blessing at this stage, but I know God has a purpose in it. His name is glorified. I become less and He becomes more. I trust in His word and I know His ways are higher than mine. I'm learning what it means to walk by faith, and not by sight. I've been blind-sided and my sight is gone. The things I so willingly accepted as a child, I don't "see" anymore. But I trust in God and in His word. I cling to Him now and I know He clings to me, but the beauty lies within His grip and not within mine. I'm not strong enough to hold onto Him in these dark shadows. I'm in and out, feeble and weak, tired and oh, so sad. I'm thankful He doesn't leave it up to me. He walks this road with me. He leads me. He is an ever-present help in my struggle. And for that, I love Him more.